Vows

Yes, I conducted a wedding a week ago. Yes, I am happy with how it went. No, I will not be doing another one. Ever. Well, pretty sure on that. Ever is a long time. Total time is approximately 2:34 seconds, as timed by one of the attendees. Now, this is the script. There is a little improv in there somewhere, right before the "gathered together" bit, but I'm not going to try to remember.

For the record, I think this is about 3 or 4 times longer than the wedding my wife and me had.

<as the Princess Bride minister>Love! True love is what brings us together today. Marriage, that blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream, is what we bear witness to today. Friends, new and old, I ask that you join me in the hope that love springs eternal between our bride and groom today.</end stupid accent>

I'll be brief, as their courtship has been long. They told me to they wanted to get "married in a hurry." I told them I would be honored and humbled to perform this ceremony, and started on the short-short version. This is not what they had wanted. They simply wanted a short version, which is why we are all gathered today, in this beautiful place on a beautiful occasion, so let us spare just a moment for them—

After a decade, then, they are getting married. I suppose, about this I should say simply, “About time!”

So, here we are, gathered together to join Miss D <obfuscated> and Miss R--I'm sorry, it's the hair--Mr. R <obfuscated> in the bonds of matrimony.

The short version. Thusly:

<to Best Man, resume stupid accent>Have you the ring?</Best Man, drop stupid accent.>

R, place the ring on D's finger. The ring symbolizes the love of these two, never to be broken. R, repeat after me.

I, state your name,

Promise to have and to hold

from this day forward

for better for worse

for richer for poorer

in sickness and in health

to love and cherish

until death do us part.

<to Matron>Have you the ring?</Matron>

D, place the ring on R's finger and repeat after me.

I, state your name,

Promise to have and to hold

from this day forward

for better for worse

for richer for poorer

in sickness and in health

to love and cherish

until death do us part.

I now pronounce you husband and wife. You're married. Kiss her!

Goodbye, virgin alarm.